Feed me Seymour!
It has been said that your plants grow better when you talk to them. I often wondered if this was true. Then I began to think. What if it really is true and not some old wife’s tale to get people to water and talk to their plants. Now this can be both beneficial and detrimental to the plants. Let’s look at this from a plants perspective and be glad this is not the Little Shop of Horrors, “Feed me Seymour feed me!” Oh yeah back to the plant thing. Imagine if you may that the person who takes care of you not only waters you regularly but the the carbon dioxide they provide from their breath is so fresh and clean you wish they would never leave. Then there is the flip side to the coin. What if your owner waters you regularly but has halitosis, for those who don’t know it is a down right offensive slap in the face, a I don’t give a f@#k stinky breath. Now I don’t know about you but that would kill me. Yeah I am getting my regular water but instead of that breath of fresh air I get violated, tied up, interrogated and showered with acid spray of saliva as if spewed from the mouth of Medusa herself. This is no clash of the titans by any means but this Medusa needs to get their head chopped off provide me with a dose STFU. Like most people with stinky breath they seem to enjoy enunciating each word and syllable which only tends to draw out the punishment. Now since I am looking at this from a plants view I can’t tell this person to clam down or offer them to take a bite of my friend parsley, my friend mint before visiting me, so what can I do to protest this unwanted barrage that vitiates the very air oh sorry carbon dioxide that I need. Nothing! All I can do is die a long slow painful death and wilt away in hope’s that I may get a new owner. All this brings up the fact that no one plant or animal and especially people enjoy stinky breath. I’m sure if that plant could talk it would say something like “Just water me and leave me the f%#k alone you are doing more harm than good over here oh and pardon my French.” Lesson two, this is possibly where the saying “I need a breath of fresh air” comes from. So good folks if you have plants and or friends or animals and they kinda wilt when you are around especially when you talk to them, please take offense. Yes I am telling you that you should be offended because you sure as hell are offending, no violating everyone, and thing in the neighboring vicinity and a good case of STFU and leave leaf is what this doctor is prescribing.
A good friend once told me when life gives you lemons make vodka. Unfortunately he is dead now and his liver is on display at the bodies exhibit right next to a piece of petrified wood. This story however has nothing to do with that but life itself. Always make the best of what you got. I am tired of hearing the same old excuses from people. If you are over weight don’t be fat and sloppy for no reason. What I am trying to say is become a food critic. In this way you don’t have to use the age old excuse of being big boned or say it is a gland problem unless it really is, but rather hold your head high and say “I am a food critic.” Then folks would look at you not so much with disgust but rather with some slight admiration and may ask you questions about restaurants and foods you would recommend. Now don’t spoil it by opening your mouth and talk trash but watch the food channel, I know I should not have to tell you to do that, and educate yourself and leave them in a state of verisimilitude. If not that admiration would turn right back to disgust.
Let’s look at the over end of the spectrum you have an eating disorder. You don’t like to eat. Now I’m not saying any if this is right merely stating an opinion. When people see you walking on the beach in a bikini and you are so thin that if we placed you next to a rake it would look like fat Albert and the bikini your wearing looks like a moo moo, and people look at you in detest, explain to them your dabbling actor a lesbian thespian playing the antagonist in a holocaust movie and must loose weight for the part. Actors do this all the time who would know except for close friends and family? I figure it this way if people are going to be politically correct then have a politically correct response. This way everybody is happy and a semblance of peace prevails. First the person posing the question or remark and secondly the person giving the equally unctuous response.
Now you might have noticed some unusual words being used in this vernacular what is going on? Well the word of the day really helped me to compose this story. Think of it like a speak and spell, I merely upgraded to bigger words. Again the semblance of being smart. I abhor people who like to talk over people so the can elevate themselves while putting you down. Not cool. And to those those of you who do, do it and laugh afterwords we need to use some French on you. So remember when people laugh or make fun of you turn that table around and keep your head up.
Wh0 iZ +H€ m@Dn3$s 