End Game’s Unprecedented New Titles

old-school-track-and-field

Special Olympics Old School Style.

In an unprecedented move today the game company Unsimpatico NoPolitico has released the inaugural version of the Special Olympics handicapped version dubbed 0.5. This version will have the same throw back feel of the classic Atari Olympics. It will not include the popular events such as track and field, swimming, diving, the long jump and pole vault. What you will find however are such events as the wheelchair stair tumble, the 400 meter wet lanolin floor run and the pentathlon. The pentathlon is the games most grueling and challenging of all the events and is what makes this game truly such a compelling buy. The participants compete in five different categories in order to take home the tin, aluminum, plastic medals as first, second and third place prizes. The first event is the 100 meter weighted swim. All participants must swim 100 meters with a brick cinder-block tied around their waist, once completed they must move quickly onto the next event which is the 15 mile leg splint marathon. In this event each athlete is fitted with a pair of leg splints and must run like Forest Gump with the aforementioned cinder block still tied the their waist while being chased by a bunch of angry chihuahuas. Upon completion the cinder blocks are then removed and must be thrown as far as possible while sinking in quicksand. If they manage to make it past that round things only get tougher. The 100 meter wheel chair stair jump will truly test the athletes skill and nerves. While rolling down a flight of over 100 stairs in wheelchair the contestant must the catapult themselves upon hitting the jump ramp at the bottom to see who can clear the most distance. And last but not least is the death defying finale the eight lane highway tricycle-thon. Those who make it this far are true masters of their disability, but like any sport there can only be one person walking away with the tin medal, no one cares who comes in second or third. Here with lives and country, or at least the medical staff, behind them they must traverse eight lanes of California traffic on a three wheel tricycle six times for a total of three laps. What makes this game so incredible is the fact that you can choose from a wide range of disabled athletes. You can control the level of deformity like hunchback, body size, arms, legs and even the state of mental health like down syndrome, nothing is held back, not even Jerry’s kids are safe. Next you can choose the manner of transportation such as cane, walker, wheelchair etc. All funding for this inaugural edition was paid for buy taxpayers like you who buy into and think that global warming is real. So what are you waiting for! Go out and reserve your copy today! This game is rated M for mature and is available on the Xbox 720, Wii U, Sony PlayStation, the Mac and PC. You can also download it on Google Play and iOS devices.

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