The world and CIA watched in horror as an African tribal headhunter under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs stood on the world stage at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service and used sign language interpretation to forecast the earth’s apocalyptic end while standing alongside world leaders like U.S. President Barack Obama. When apprehended after the ceremony the CIA officials inquired with the man as to how he was able to enter the arena and get on the stage with all the heightened security measures that were put in place. What made it even worse was that the man was wearing nothing more than a grass skirt, nose ring and a voodoo stick which he had placed on the ground before he began his interpretations. He recalled hearing voices of demons in his head giving him directions to the stadium, which the police validated was Fidel Castro’s brother’s stolen BMW’s navigational system that was reported missing earlier that morning. As they dug deeper into the inquiry the tribesman recalled “that angels were entering the stadium.” The angels that he met guided him onto the stage and told him God wanted him to work in his vineyard. Those angels turned out to be the Roman Catholic churches pubescent boys choir. They were clad in shiny satin white robes with red crosses and sang “My work here is not done yet”, an old negro spiritual, as they lead the procession to the stage. As he was coming down off his high he became afraid for himself because he was surrounded by armed guards and police. “I was surprised that my astral projection of a dignified African sign language interpreter was so well received by all because I was wearing only traditional tribal headhunting garb” said Thamsanqa Jantjie. Thamsanqa also was able to recollect turning himself into a goat during a botched car robbery attempt to avoid capture, however he was still apprehended and was kept in a barn for several weeks and became good friends with a pig named Wilbur before being recently released by the police who were thoroughly convinced that he was really a goat.
A South African deputy Cabinet minister, John Bogo-Zulu, later held a news conference to formally announced that “a mistake happened” and Jantjie was their Borat. However, many questions still remain. Questions like who in the government hired the company that contracted Jantjie, how much money was paid off to embarrass the South African government and whether said company really exists or did this man act on his own. Government officials said have tried to track down the company that provided Jantjie but the owners “have vanished into thin air like everything else here in Africa ” said Bogopane-Zulu, deputy minister of some kind of African Women’s group. Ordinarily, sign language interpreters in South Africa are switched every 20 minutes to maintain their concentration levels, she said. Jantjie was on the stage for the entire service that lasted more than four hours. It is still unclear how long his hallucinogenic episode lasted and if voodoo was really used to prolong his on stage shenanigans. The American national security chief is once again under scrutiny and the CIA have done little to clean up their already tarnished image of whoremongers, now they can add global clowns to their resume thanks to this debacle. In light of all this negativity Jantjie made the cover of Black Magics tribesman of the year.