Faking It A Cheaters Tale – Blog 187

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This should not be you.

Lance Armstrong in an emotional interview with Oprah Winfrey poured out his heart and finally came clean about his use of performance-enhancing drugs. Drugs which allegedly assisted him in winning a record seven trophies at the Tour De France.  I too like Lance feel that I have a confession to make. My wife has been faking it more times than she ought too, or at least that is what I read in the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. Please don’t judge me because I read Cosmopolitan.  I couldn’t help myself I was besieged on all sides by the Eternally long lines at Wally World aka Wal-Mart. Yes my friends if you ever had the joy of shopping there you would know that every line is like waiting to get on the latest ride at the amusement park and the cashiers are like reindeer, scarce or seasonal at best. I knew something was going on. Like all men you take pride in your prowess in the bedroom, until  the overacting began which is a big no no in the love making chambers, so like Lance I took situations into my own hands and no I am not talking about my penis. I decided to make my wife pay for mocking me in an intimate setting where pride and ego are at their highest. Yes, I too took some performance enhancing drugs after all I needed help on a super human level. It was not because I was in some sort of professional sport or bodybuilding, nay I say it was deeper than that because it concerned the bed chambers a mans most hallow spot, forget the man cave. Is that cheating? And if so how was that cheating? Come on how is that so when wifey would tell me how good I was but when the act was done even before the last stroke was made and deposit placed she would begin talking. Then after our session was over she had the audacity and energy to make bread, bake big cakes and clean the yard, that’s when I knew something was wrong, that’s when I knew something had to be done. So I did what any man in my situation would’ve done. No I did not use Viagra that would be too obvious and you need a doctors note for that, instead I did the next best thing. I boarded the earliest available flight to the RoK (Republic of Korea) the unsung capital of male endurance and stamina potions or so I was lead to believe. To make a long story short I got what I obtained what was needed from one of the local pharmaceuticals shops. It consisted of  a special blend of bulls horns, deer feet, seaweed, octopus beak and whale teeth and smelled like death warmed over and that was the just the pills. This was nothing short of witches brew in my estimation.I guess with a name like MacBeth’s of Endor what can one expect. Besides the smell was the nasty taste but what else was to be expected from such a concoction of imaginary things. I followed the instructions as cited by the “pharmacist” swallowed the pill and said a prayer. I know all this sounds funny but believe me the stuff was almost magical, you can even ask Shrek. A few days later the wife in the mood for some good lovin’ and I was about to put this funky cold Medina to the test. That night the batter was beaten, the coffee beans were grounded, and bread was broken. Whatever the young ones call the act of having sex nowadays, well that was what I did. The outcome this time was different. Just moments before she passed out she yelled out something inaudible and started twitching and convulsing. I was about to call an exorcist before she fell into a deep asleep, so deep in fact that I had to push her dead wight off of me and I wasn’t even done yet. This was great there was no talking no baking nothing  all she did wad closed her eyes and dozed off into the land of sleep. Like I said I was not finished. After watering the garden, taking out the trash and finishing some tiling in the basement I still felt horny. With all my honey do items cleared up I called up the mistress went over to her house and put her to sleep as well. Then I called up my girlfriend and headed over to her house and put her to sleep also before I finally was so tired that I too fell asleep. When I woke up I headed back home only to find the wife still asleep. I had to poke her with s stick to make sure she was still alive. She mumbled something and rolled over. That stuff had me so scared I was shaking like an old man with Parkinson’s, so I took the sack of magic beans and like Jack I threw them down the toilet and went back to bed myself.  Al Bundy once said “It is only cheating if you get caught” while standing on the podium with the the Special Olympics gold medal around his neck, not bad for a guy who wasn’t handicapped or mentally challenged.

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